He runs around seemingly without a care, but deep down inside little Anele (not his real name) still bears the scars of countless experiences with domestic violence.
The 4-year-old went through the trauma of seeing his father beat his mother almost on a daily basis during the first two years of his life. He also bears the physical scars of an incident during which his father, enraged by his crying, grabbed him and beat him against the wall.
“He went mad because the child was crying while he hit me,” says Anele’s mother, Thandi (not her real name). “He grabbed him and beat his head against the wall. He shouted that I am a witch and that he will take my son away from me.”
After her son was discharged from hospital she laid a charge against her partner and approached the court for an interdict. “He spent a few weeks in prison, but was released because it was the start of the Covid-19 pandemic and they said the prisons were too full.”
Seeking help from the courts and police, says Thandi, had dire consequences.
“The beatings would be worse when he was released from prison. His sister, who is a cop, always told me to forgive him because he is the head of the household. I had nowhere to run because he would come and break the windows and make trouble wherever I stayed. It looked as if I was the troublemaker because he had a good job, a nice car and was nice to everybody. He was a wolf in sheep’s clothing.”
The emotional, verbal and physical abuse took its toll to the point where she lost all confidence and hope. Her life was hell.
“He beat me when he was drunk. He always asked for forgiveness, and because I am not one to bear grudges I would forgive him. He blamed me, saying I provoked him. He also blamed his behaviour on evil spirits, but he was the devil himself. Looking into his face while he beat me…”
Thandi pauses a moment and then continues, “I could see his eyes, his face change to the point where one didn’t recognise him.”
Defending herself when he stabbed her on one occasion had shocking consequences. “I grabbed the knife and stabbed him too,” she recounted.
“Isn’t it ironic that he made a case against me and I had to spend six months in jail after trying to defend myself,” she asks.
After her release from prison Thandi’s partner asked her to move back in with him. “I didn’t know he was planning on taking revenge,” she said.
Thandi would soon regret the decision to move back. It took a near-death experience finally to give her the will to escape from her abuser.
If it weren’t for her neighbours who came to her rescue, she said, both she and her son would have died a horrific death.
“He choked me so hard I wet myself and lost consciousness. The neighbours heard us fight and came running to check if I was okay when they heard everything had gone quiet. If it weren’t for this I would have been dead.
“When I woke up in hospital, I realised I have to leave him before I end up six feet under. I decided enough is enough.”
Thandi fled with her son and moved to a town in the Boland, where she stayed with family and found a job. But her peace was short-lived. After hearing that a strange man was looking for her, Thandi once again packed up her belongings and fled without a clue where she would stay.
“I told the man who picked us up at the hitchhiking spot to just take me anywhere my baby and I would be safe,” Thandi recalls. “He was going to Gansbaai and dropped us off at the police station in Hermanus.”
After being informed that they could only assist her with a safe house for her son, Thandi walked out, sat in the rain and prayed for a miracle.
“I didn’t want to be separated from my son. I prayed and told God that now was the time to keep His promise that He would never forsake me.”
She believes her prayers were answered when Lana O’Neill, founder of Heavenly Promise, an NPO that works with abused and vulnerable women and children, entered her life.
“Lana is a true warrior and my hero,” Thandi said. “After I told her my story, she went into the police station and confronted them. She spoke to the Brigadier (Donovan Heilbron) and they helped to get me to a safe house.”
The long road to healing started at this safe house. Thandi now uses the story of her life experiences to inspire other women experiencing the same hell. “I have turned my tests into testimony!” she exclaims.
“If I didn’t leave, my child and I would have been killed. You are the only person that can save your life. That man will never change. Talk to someone you can trust before it’s too late and you end up six feet under. Do it for your children, do it for your loved ones. Somebody will help you if you speak out.
“Today my son is happy. When I look at him I realise I had made the right decision.”